What The Shrek Just Happened?
by iPurpleheart
Summary: my second fic! what if shrek 1/2 were a bit, um, wierd? find out now! please review? : pretty please with a Shrekky ontop?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:****As I said, I will write a Shrek, Twilight or Toy Story fic. Sorry if this is an EPIC FAIL, but I've decided on Shrek, and because nobody reviewed 'The Boy With The Brown Eyes', I don't know how I can improve my writing. I don't own Shrek :( Dreamworks do, So here goes. This is just setting the scene if you like. Aaahhh weeeell, enjoy I suppose! **

**Once upon a time…**

**There was a ugly ogre**

'**SHREK'**

**A annoying but lovable**

'**DONKEY'**

**A beautiful princess who turned out to be as ugly as Shrek herself.**

'**FIONA'**

**When 'DRAGON' ate the small and revolting 'FARQUAAD'**

**Shrek and Fiona Married!**

**They then met the parents.**

'**LILLIAN'**

'**HAROLD'**

**And a not-so-charming prince**

'**PRINCE CHARMING'**

**Who was quite obviously gay.**

**And his mother**

'**FAIRY GODMOTHER'**

**Well, Harold turned out to be a frog, and Lillian didn't care! AAAAWWW TRUE LOVE!**

**Anyway, Shrek drank a potion to make him HOT! Which also transformed Fiona and DONKEY (sorry, Donkey just had to be in capitals!) **

**Though Harold is a sneaky fellow and attempted to make Fiona drink a potion to make her fall in love with CHARMING!**

**DUN DUN DUN…**

**Anyway, Charming kisses Fiona after Shrek barges into the ball, but she hits Charming (woop! girl power!) and goes back to shrek, they then turn back into ogres!**

**What a lovely story, hmm. What if this 'lovely story' was changed a little bit? What if Fiona was actually rescued by Prince Charming? And Shrek, who was the evil – but handsome – son of the Fairy GodMother!**

**GET READY!**

**COMING SOON**

**TO YOUR LAPTOP/COMPUTER/MAC/PHONE**

**OR THE SCREEN YOU ARE STARING AT!**

**A/N: ok, so basically. Fiona's rescued by charming, who is the 'goodie' if you like. And Shrek (who is human in this fic) has the role of prince charming in Shrek 2. its kind of a retelling of Shrek 2, but its not if you get what I mean… ok maybe you don't :D. so um please review and tell me what you think! I will try to update this often, and I'm currently working on a Toy Story fic. BYE! iPurpleheart xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ****I'm sorry that the title sucks, but I couldn't think of another one. This probably wont work out So im going to write the first proper chapter. I don't own Shrek! Though I do own John! Like? Don't like? Please tell me in a review.**

**So here goes…**

**Chapter 1 Fiona's lucky day**

The sun rose over the dragon's keep and a golden light surrounded a person inside. It was Princess Fiona. She got up out of her bed and stared at the tapestry on her wall. She sighed and pulled it up revealing the thousands of lines crossed out, lost days, ones she would never get back. She thought back to her first day at the tower, a seven year old and now at twenty one, her chances of her knight in shining armour rescuing her were getting smaller and smaller everyday. Reluctantly she grabbed the chalk and crossed another day off, she didn't know how many more days would be like this. Morning – transform back to human, cross another day off, eat. Afternoon – get bored, look out the window as if some gorgeous prince in the form of Justin Timberlake would show up. Evening – get transformed back into an ogress, eat, read a few books. Night – cry herself to sleep, another day gone.

She trembled slightly as she had just had a horrible thought – what if, she never gets rescued? What if, before she knew it, there was no days left? What if, everyone forgot about her and she would be left to rot away and die in the keep? Her life was a big question, a question of What If? She let a single tear escape from her eye, and held her locket in her hands. Maybe if she made a wish to get rescued, just maybe, a noble knight would show up sometime soon.

A strong and handsome boy of about 23 stood next to his father in front of his bedroom mirror in their cottage in their farm, on the outskirts of Far Far Away . He had flowing blond hair and ocean blue eyes. His name was Charming.

"Dad are you sure that I look ok in this armour?" he asked his father in a English accent.

"You look absolutely splendid! Now go and collect your horse!" his father, John replied in the same accent. Now, John was a farmer. He wasn't from royalty and he wasn't rich. He had short greyish-white hair and the same eyes as his son. His wife was a lovely lady called Penelope, but sadly she died suddenly of a unknown illness leaving John widowed, and Charming without a mother.

"W-wait, I have a horse? Since when?" Charming asked shocked but excited at the same time.

"Well since your in your twenties now, I cant exactly buy you presents of Noble Knightator of Frostonia action figures could I? " he said grinning.

"Dad this is AMAZING! And its not even my birthday!" Charming said throwing his arms around his father in a hug. His dad was his best friend and they were really close.

"Its ok son, you have to ride on something to rescue your princess eh?" John said returning his sons embrace though Charming pulled away wincing at the thought of blistering winds and scorching deserts and of course, the spooky dragons keep. Sure, he fell in love with Fiona's picture the first time he saw her and he wanted to marry her, spend the rest of his life with her and love her forever, but he also thought of the down side of it all. What if I don't make the journey? What if the dragon eats me? What if I slay the dragon, climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to find out that Fiona doesn't think he's good looking and doesn't love him? This quest was going to be a big question, a question of What If? He looked at his father, the man who had given up everything to give his son a good upbringing. The man who had made him into the strong and gorgeous man he was. He nearly burst out crying but he didn't want to lose his pride in front of his father. With one last brief hug, Charming hopped onto his horse and started the journey which determined his future, not only the future that he would share with _his_ princess, but whether he has a future and does not fail the task set for this quest.

After his son had ridden off into the forest, John walked up to the castle. He and Harold were close friends since they were young, they both lived in the kingdom, Far Away **(A/N: sorry I couldn't think of a better name).** They were both just normal boys, nothing royal or special about them, just two boys and best friends. They attended the same school until they were 14, where Harold suddenly grew ill and was home schooled. Though John was never quite as certain as the other people in the kingdom about him being ill. He had heard rumours about him everywhere, probably all nonsense. But there was one that stood out to him, the one the wise old lady who sits outside the theatre everyday told him. It was about a curse placed upon him to become a frog. This made John wonder, whenever he got to speak to him (through his door) he always seemed a bit croaky. **(A/N: AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH CROAKY! GET IT, YOU KNOW BECAUSE HE'S A FROG? YEAH? Maybe not then… anyway) **The next time he saw him was at his wedding, where he married the princess of Far Far Away, Lillian. She had golden hair and glistening blue eyes, John had always thought of her as beautiful. To be honest, he always thought Harold was lucky to have Lillian, he was never a hit with the ladies, with his messy brown red hair, brown eyes and oversized stomach. Then they had a daughter. John would always wonder why Fiona was cursed, but he didn't have to for long as he asked the wise old woman – she was becoming his grandmother really. She said that its because after he banished a witch called Wincheldia from the kingdom, she set a curse on his first born daughter. The other thing he didn't get was how Harold was suddenly 'better' when he married Lillian. The old woman's reply was that Lillian broke his curse by kissing him. That was the last time he saw that woman. Apparently she had been burned at the steak for apparently being a witch, somehow John knew she wasn't a witch, but too late now eh? He snapped out of his daydream and carried on to the castle humming a merry tune.

When he reached the castle, Lillian and Harold were sitting down drinking what John assumed to be tea.

"oh hello John! What brings you here this wonderful morning old pal?" Harold said standing up greeting his friend.

"just to say that Charming set off just now, he'll be there by Tuesday." John said proudly as a vision of his son and Fiona crept into his mind.

"fantastic!" Harold said and Lillian agreed with a nod.

_Tuesday morning…_

There it was, A nightmare for anyone – the dragon. Charming gulped and walked across the rickety bridge not daring enough to look down at the bubbling lake of lava below. The dragon looked asleep, but you never know I suppose. He crept up behind the beast, his sword drawn, ready to strike until he heard a deafening roar. He was dragon food. Charming screamed and ran into a corner, huddled against a wall. As the dragon approached him, he saw that the beast wasn't actually going to hurt him. _'what?' _he thought. Instead, the dragon just sighed. It held up its arms and made all different types of movements, which Charming apparently understood.

"me… bored… alone… Fiona… need… rescue… me need… break… from… this" Charming said as the dragon nodded. Suddenly it flew away, leaving charming stunned. He walked wearily up the stairs of the tallest tower and opened the door of the room carefully. He looked before him, curtains and behind them, the faint silhouette of a woman. He approached the bed and pulled back the curtains to see a beautiful princess asleep.

He bent down slowly and shook her shoulder gently.

"mmm.. what?" she said in a american accent. As she opened her clear blue eyes and saw who it was, without warning she threw her arms around him and kissed his lips. A gold light surrounded Fiona – true loves form. Charming was her true love?

"so er whats your name?" she asked

"Charming, Charming smith." He said shyly.

She cleared her throat and said " Sir Smith, I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude"

Charming took the handkerchief and scooped her up in his arms.

"you can go back to sleep now" he said as she closed her eyes. He rode back home on his horse with Fiona asleep in his arms, in the hope that they could get married tomorrow.

**A/N: what you think? Not bad? And er, just gonna say that well they get married and well I'm not gonna explain the wedding and definitely not what they did on their wedding night this is a T fic. Please review and tell me what you think & stay tuned for the next chapter :) ~iPurpleheart xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First of all, I have to say a HUGE thank you to my reviewers – HPOL001, Elfie123 and beautifulwriter29 who's given me a good idea for the next chapter :) ! I will post upto 3 chapters today, because I have school work for an exam to be getting on with, but I will update when I can. No, I don't own Shrek! The other thing is, Fairy God Mother's name is staying 'Fairy God Mother' – I don't know her name****, or Harold's so I made his up! so enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2 – A Surprise… but not a very good one.<strong>

King Harold of Far Far Away paced up and down his bedroom he shared with his wife, who was currently watching him with an annoyed look.

"Harold, would you pack it in!" She almost shouted.

"sorry Lillian" he said sitting down and putting his head into his hands and then shaking his head. If Fairy God Mother ever knows that he has gone back on his word by letting someone else besides her son, Shrekken **(A/N: don't ask if that's a word because I don't know!)**, he was dead. He had to figure out a way of getting her out of Far Far Away for when Fiona arrived back with Charming for her Wedding and wedding ball. But, Harold had never been smart in his entire life. If he was smart, he'd never of made a deal with Fairy God Mother. He looked up from his hands and caught his wife's gaze and grinned awkwardly.

"Harold Peter Edwards, you tell me what's going on right now and I mean it!" That was the thing about Lillian, she was easy to fool. Harold had told her lies before and epically failed, he was worse than Pinocchio at being able to lie. She was getting more frustrated as he just sat there, he was going to have to make something up, quick. And it had to be good.

"I'm just… uh. Ok I will admit it" he lied, very convincingly for once. "I'm so nervous for when Fiona returns" he said sighing.

"I believe you Harold, for once. Really so am I, and I really don't know why, but I've the strangest feeling something really bad will happen." She said looking confused.

Harold stopped breathing for a split second. Usually what Lillian said was right. And if she was right here, a disaster of any kind could be right around the corner.

Lillian looked at her husband. Even though she believed him on this occasion, something didn't seem right. She sighed and stood up.

"come on, lunch is ready" she said to her husband, who was still in some far away world in his mind. "HAROLD!" she shouted and Harold jumped.

"coming dear!" he said getting up and following her.

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><p>Fairy God Mother was relaxing at a spa, her own which she had just had built, for her and only her. She was having such a great day so far. So many customers buying her potions and having their happily ever afters thanks to her. Soon she would have hers, along with her son, Shrekken – Shrek for short. See her husband was Scottish and Shrek was brought up in Scotland. Her husband was a weird man and decided he would call his son <em>Shrekken<em>. People would try to be nice and say what a beautiful and exotic name it was, but Fairy God Mother always knew people thought it was strange and honestly, stupid. Who ever would name their child 'Shrekken' crazy. She divorced her husband a year after Shrek was born and raised him on her own. She started to study magic when Shrek turned 5, at an academy for fairies and that's what she would be – a fairy god mother. Simple.

"mum, mum! OMG ARE YOU DEAD? JEROME QUICK! JEROME! I THINK MY MOTHER'S DEAD!" said Shrek in his strong Scottish accent as Jerome – who was fairy god mother's head worker and receptionist – ran in to the spa to Shrek and Fairy God Mother.

"huh?" Fairy God Mother said waking up from what ever dream she was currently in. "who's dead?" she said not fully conscious.

"YOU!" Shrek said panicking. "oh, your not dead anymore" he said embarrassed.

Jerome looked at him. Yeah he was a hit with the ladies, thick brown hair, cute button nose, broad shoulders and biceps every guy dreamed of. But Shrek wasn't very mature. He threw tantrums when he couldn't get his own way, he was totally stupid (as you've just heard in his last outburst) and he was reaaally stuck up. He really wanted to give the boy a slap, but, he wouldn't dare. Not with Fairy God Mother around anyway, so he walked back to his job without a word, realising he wasn't needed anymore.

"Shrek! I was having a relaxing time In here, you better have a good explanation of why you're here!" she said irritated by her son's visit.

"so you don't want to see me off then?" he said sadly, turning his head to look at the floor.

She remembered. He was setting off to rescue Fiona today. It was only a matter of time before her son was next in line for the throne.

"of course I do, Shrekky dear." She said giving him a huge hug. "go on, make mummy proud!"

"ok" Shrek simply replied walking out of the factory about to start a journey of a lifetime.

She knew that her son would make her proud what so ever. She picked up the daily news paper that had just been delivered and looked at the front page. Under the 'Far Far Away Gazette' there in bold black letters read **PRINCESS SAVED** she frantically read the article, hoping that it was maybe Rapunzel or another princess in the kingdom, but she was wrong as her eyes caught the names – 'The long awaited return of our Princess Fiona and her very brave rescuer, the son of everyone's favourite farmer – Charming Smith.' And if she might of thought that she misread it the picture on the side made her certain that she read it right. In the picture there was a very handsome young man who had his arms wrapped around the waist of a beautiful young woman and they were both smiling, the photo caption ' the happy couple to be wed tomorrow' she ripped out the page and scrunched it up. Harold had some explaining to do.

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><p><strong>AN: there ya go! The next chapter. Good ? not good? Could be better? Tell me please! I read all your reviews and I use what you've said in my writing. I'm writing the next chapter now, so stay tuned! ~iPurpleheart xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: aaahhh! In the last chapter, when it says ' if he let anyone besides her son Shrekken' after that I was supposed to put 'rescue his daughter' sorry!**** Remember this is NOT a retelling on shrek 2 and not everything is the same. Anyway im on a roll so here's the next part…**

**Chapter 3 – The happy couple, for now.**

_Wednesday morning_

Fiona woke up in a place she didn't recognise, the only thing she knew she was in a bed that wasn't hers. She held her breath at that point. She hadn't had she? No, she realised she was in her night gown and let out a relieved 'phew!' She looked over at the man lying next to her and realised he was still sleeping – her Prince. He started stirring, looked over at her and smiled.

"hello Princess, sleep well?" he said with a yawn as he snuggled up to her.

"yes I did thank you. What about you?" she replied still sleepy herself.

"yeah, I did, and I have something for you." He pulled out a silver ring with a diamond on it. " will you marry me Fiona?" he said with a smile.

"YES! OMG OMG!" she said hugging him tightly and he returned the embrace. He then took her hand in his which was huge compared to her delicate one and slid the ring on her ring finger. They then kissed, they were so happy.

"uh do you mind telling me where we actually are?" she said looking around.

"were in a hotel room in Far Far Away, and we really need to be getting up." Charming replied.

"why? Its so early!" she asked, confused.

"you have a dress fitting at 12 and I have a suit fitting at the same time. Aaaand were kind of getting married at 4 o'clock." He replied once again.

Fiona sprang up from the bed and rushed around. She had a shower, brushed her teeth, did her hair and dressed into a lilac dress with matching slippers all in what seemed to be 5 seconds. Charming just stared, amazed.

"well, shouldn't you be getting ready too?" she said looking back at him.

"oh. Oh ok." Charming said getting up off the bed.

After they were both dressed and ready at about 9.00am, obviously after Charming finally worked out what to wear which was a blue sweater with black trousers, they got into their carriage and started on their way up to the castle.

Crowds started to gather around the carriage, Fiona began to get scared so Charming put his arm around her and kissed her on the forehead **(A/N: aaaww!) **and she smiled knowing he'd keep her safe no matter what.

"Charming?" Fiona asked.

"yes sweetheart?" he replied with a smile.

"don't take this the wrong way, but er, why are you called Charming?" she asked looking a bit puzzled.

"erm, well, my mother and father were what you call common, nothing special about either of them, so they decided to give me an unusual name, though my father is here today, waiting to meet us at the gates of the castle, then he will go help the wedding planners" he told her with a smile.

Soon enough they pulled up in front of the gates. There with two guards stood John, Charming's father looking extremely proud.

"Dad!" Charming shouted waving.

"hello son! Where's your wife to be?" he asked waving back.

"here!" he said getting Fiona to look out of the window and she waved shyly. "isn't she gorgeous?" he asked.

"well, she sure looks like her mother! How are you dear? He's not bothering you yet is he?" he asked jokingly with a laugh.

Fiona laughed with him and replied "nope, not yet anyway."

"HEY!" Charming said looking at Fiona who was in absolute hysterics, then at his dad who was nearly crying with laughter because of Fiona's face when she was laughing. Charming had to admit, her laugh was hilarious, but he found it more cute than funny.

Suddenly there was a drum roll and trumpets were being played inside the gates.

"good luck!" John said as the carriage made its way through the crowd of people until it pulled up again, this time in front of a red carpet leading to Fiona's parents and the front of the castle.

"announcing the long awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her husband to be" they heard a voice say, followed by a huge applause from the crowd with a few whistles and 'woops'.

"well, this is it." Fiona said turning to face Charming who was so nervous he was shaking uncontrollably. "oh honey." She said holding his hand. "it'll be over before you know it. Come on!" they then both stepped out of the carriage and the crowd went into a huge 'AAAAAWWWW' then back to the deafening applause from before. Charming and Fiona carried on walking down the carpet with the occasional wave or hi-five to someone in the crowds and after what seemed like forever finally reached where the king and queen were standing.

"Mom! Dad!" Fiona said happily, hugging them as a few tears fell from her eyes. "this is my fiancé, Charming."

Charming stepped forward. "we don't need to be introduced to him! We know this guy since forever! Anyway, well done lad!" Harold said as Charming grinned and winked at Fiona causing her to blush violently. He gave Lillian a kiss on the cheek and Harold an awkward hug, though he had been kind of an uncle to him since he was young. He then walked over to Fiona and put his arm around her waist.

"well we better be getting inside then!" Lillian said.

"dinner is served" a chubby little Frenchman, with a moustache (probably the cook) stated as some other servants brought in the delicious looking food. "bon appetite" he said and then walked back into the kitchen.

They all started to eat when Lillian attempted to make conversation. "so, Fiona, where do you live?"

"well, you have to ask Charming that" she replied as she looked at her fiancé.

"at the moment, we don't live anywhere, but I've bought us a house on one of these streets, don't know the name of it." He said.

"I guess that would be a fine place to raise the children" Lillian replied with added emphasis on the 'raise the children' part as she looked at her daughter.

Harold and Charming turned silent halfway through their conversation about last weeks Jousting World Tournament Final and looked at Fiona. All eyes were on her now, even a servant had heard the 'raise the children part' and was waiting for her to speak.

She laughed lightly and said "well, we'll just have to see about that I suppose, I mean if it happens it happens." She said nervously. **(A/N: I don't know if there were such things as medieval condoms but, im not going there haha) **

Then all eyes turned to Charming. "I er, um, what she said!" he said pointing at Fiona. This was possibly the most embarrassing moment of both their lives.

**A/N: so whaddya think?** **Good? Bad? Review please! The next update will be tomorrow ~iPurpleheart xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**** the next chapter! This is just really carrying on from the last one and the wedding. The chapter will be much better but please still review yeah? Enjoy!**

**Chapter 4 – The best day of my life**

The servant scuttled off back to his job, clearing the thought of little royal babies from his head. Charming looked at Fiona, who was as red as a tomato. 'Aww, poor Fiony!' he thought. **(A/N: Fiony is what my little cousin said was Fiona's name when he wanted to watch shrek with me LOL) **he had to hold back a laughing fit though, she looked so innocent, he wished he had a camera with him now. He then snapped out of it and looked at his watch.

"well, its now eleven thirty-five, I think we should go now." He said, though it sounded more like a question when he said it.

"yes, come on Fiona, we need to get to the shop. Charming, Harold will go with you." Lillian said literally dragging her daughter into the carriage that was waiting for them.

"after you." Harold said to Charming as they got into a different carriage and started their way to their outfit fittings.

After about 5 minutes Lillian and Fiona arrived, it wasn't exactly a long way to go anyway. As Fiona stepped out 5 girls jumped out of the shop, 5 girls she knew very well, 5 girls that were her best friends for life.

"OH MY GOD! YOUR ALL HERE!" Fiona said excitedly as she ran to them.

"well duh! You couldn't exactly expect us to miss the baby of the group's wedding could you?" Sleeping Beauty said, who had now finally found a cure for her sleepiness **(A/N: sorry but in shrek 3, her falling asleep all the time irritated me so yeah) ** There all together, Sleeping Beauty, Doris, Snow White, Cinderella and Rapunzel. **(A/N: yes, I hate her too but on with the story)** They stood in their bridesmaid dresses which were a sky blue, the same as Fiona's eyes. Fiona was the youngest, then Cinderella, then Sleeping Beauty, then Snow White, then Rapunzel and finally, Doris and all of the princesses had always looked after Fiona especially when they were little and at school.

"well, shouldn't we be going back inside the shop?" Cinderella asked as they all – without answering – followed her back inside.

After a slightly longer journey, Harold and Charming finally reached the suit shop. As they got out, they were greeted by John and Charming's best friend, Greg, who would be the best man. Greg had floppy black hair and green eyes. They walked into the shop after hugs and handshakes, ready to try on their suits.

They finally decided on black suits, white shirts and sky blue bow ties as Charming said they reminded him of Fiona's eyes. Everything was sorted for the boys apart from one thing – Charming wanted his haircut.

"dude, why? Your hair is like your trademark. I haven't seen any guy have the same haircut, ever!" Greg said absolutely shocked.

"one. It annoys me. Two, what's a trademark? Three, the only reason you haven't seen _guys _with this hair is because I look like a girl, 'nuff said." Charming replied.

"OK! Take a chill pill jeez!" Greg said "but what if Fiona doesn't recognise you at the alter?" he asked, getting really concerned.

"Greg, are you saying she is stupid?" Charming asked raising an eyebrow.

"NOO!" he replied quickly.

"ok whatever." Charming said as he got back into the carriage with Harold as John and Greg walked to the church ready for the wedding. Harold and Charming however, were on their way to the barbers.

Meanwhile at the dress shop Fiona had been moaning to the owner – Lidia about how she looked like a pig in the first dress, an oversized elf in the second and a puffy peach in the 3rd one. Lidia was getting so pressurized and Lillian was suddenly so happy she didn't have to deal with her daughter through puberty **LOL. **Lidia finally picked out the perfect dress, long and white with silver diamonds, it suited her and it fit well. Everyone agreed it was beautiful, she just hope Charming would like it.

Talking about Charming…

"so, sir, how would you like your hair cut?" the barber asked.

"so I can have it like Sir Robert Pattinson but not as messy, if you get me" Charming replied.

"very well." And the barber cut his hair and even styled it the way he wanted! What a nice barber.

After Charming paid, the time had gone too quick. It was 3.00pm, the wedding started exactly 1 hour from now. They rushed back into the carriage and to Far Far Away church ready and in place for the service. Already more or less the whole kingdom were in there, Charming was shaking again and this time it was Harold's turn to calm him down.

"come on now, I don't want you having a panic attack!" Harold said.

He was right, "s-sorry, im just a bit nervous you know " he said. Harold just smiled as he got out of the carriage and walked into the church and up to the alter where his dad and Greg were. Harold stayed outside for Fiona to walk her down the aisle.

Soon enough at about 4.00 exactly, Fiona's carriage pulled up and Harold went to greet her. She stepped out slowly and Harold was gob smacked, she looked so beautiful, he couldn't wait to see Charming's reaction when he saw her. There were a few whistles from some random men outside the church and the princesses slapped them all twice each because girls have girl power and girl power rules!

The wedding march began to play as the princesses and Lillian walked down the aisle, then followed by Fiona and Harold.

"are you sure I look ok daddy?" Fiona asked gripping on tighter to her father's arm.

"you look absolutely stunning" he replied proudly. Fiona sighed.

"dude, lets just hope you don't get a boner! Wait till you see her!" Greg whispered to Charming discreetly. Charming wanted to slap him but calmed himself down. Fiona finally reached the alter and Charming looked at her. His breath caught and he nearly fainted "you look beautiful, honey" he said leaning in and holding her hand.

"you look very handsome and the hair?" she asked

"you don't like it?" he asked sadness in his pale blue eyes.

"no, no, it really suits you!" she said quickly, squeezing his hand. He smiled, relieved.

"we are gathered here on this beautiful summers afternoon to witness the marriage of Princess Fiona Lily Edwards and Charming Jonathon Smith." The priest said and then carried on with a bit more useless speaking until the I do's. "Fiona Edwards, do you take Charming Smith to be your lawful wedded husband?"

"I do." She said confidently with a smile.

"and Charming Smith do you take Fiona Edwards to be your lawful wedded wife?"

"yep!" he said "please may I kiss her now?"

Everyone in the kingdom burst out laughing.

"well, that counts as an I do so I now pronounce you man and wife! And yes, you may now kiss her!" the priest said.

Just as Charming leaned in to kiss Fiona, Greg thought he'd be funny and shout "go on! Make out!" which made the guests roar with laughter once again, even Fiona had to hold back a laugh before Charming's lips touched hers in a kiss. The guests now broke out in applause but neither Charming or Fiona pulled away, it didn't look like they were going to soon either. "ok that's enough!" Greg said a bit annoyed. Still they didn't listen. "oh for god's sake GET A ROOM!"

"er, actually, we're waiting until later for that!" Charming said as he finally pulled away.

"oh you had to didn't you?" Fiona said in the midst of a laughing fit herself while the rest of the kingdom were in hysterics.

Ok that was enough, Charming and Fiona ran out of the church and into yet another carriage and on their way back to the castle for a party. They got there after everyone else and could already see that Greg had his eye on someone. Snow White.

"so, you er, want a drink baby?" he asked her, trying to be cool which was and epic fail.

"im already drunk" she said and she pulled him in for a kiss, though one that if you were watching would throw up at the sight of it. After the party ended, everyone went home – Greg and Snow White went together, obvs!

Charming and Fiona then made their way to a place called Fiona's bedroom and lets just say they had some fun under the covers **A/N: that's all im saying! I really don't want to go there! The next chapter will be up soon and as I said this was just a ugh chapter (don't ask what ugh is, I don't know) so don't hate me! Review and tell me what you think! ~iPurpleheart xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:**** here's more, I like Harold and Lillian so this is mostly about them. I know I promised a chapter yesterday, but I had revision work to be getting on with, irl post about 3 chapters today. and Thank you to beautifulwriter29 for reviewing. I don't own shrek. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 5 – the meeting**

Harold woke up, terrified for some unknown reason. He stared over at Lillian who was still sleeping peacefully, he leant over and shook her lightly.

"what is it?" she asked with an annoyed tone. Maybe she was having a peaceful dream and she didn't want to be disturbed. Harold didn't reply. "Harold what is wrong with you? You know you are like a little baby really.." but she was cut off mid sentence as Harold put a finger to her lips.

"really, Lillian, I think you should be the one calming down." He said as he got up off the bed and started to get dressed into a purple tunic.

"me calm down? Harold you are off your head you know! After 25 years of being married, I should have known we'd end up like this" she said, mumbling the last part.

"im sorry? What did you just say? Don't mumble under your breath, even though I am annoyed at your voice moaning on and on and on all these years." He replied.

Lillian walked up to her husband. "aww, cant we just settle this? hmm?" she said sweetly, moving closer to him. Harold smiled but before he could do anything he was thrown back about two yards as Lillian slapped him clean across the face.

"HA!" she said as she walked out of the room without a word.

Charming woke up and looked around. There was his wedding suit and Fiona's wedding dress strewn on the floor along with her underwear and his boxers. He chuckled slightly and looked over at Fiona – who was 'still sleeping like an angel' as Charming thought. He lay back down and sighed which woke Fiona up. She sat up and noticed she wasn't wearing anything and screamed.

Both Lillian and Harold ran into the room. The first thing they noticed was the bombsite of clothes on the floor, then their eyes drifted up to the messy sheets and they didn't have to look anywhere else to realise what dirty things the princess and her new husband had got up to last night.

Harold leaned into Lillian and whispered "I think now's the time to be getting off to breakfast." Lillian quickly and happily agreed and they scuttled off to breakfast leaving Charming and Fiona alone.

"oh great." Fiona said looking at where her parents just escaped.

"well that was embarrassing, eh dear?" Harold said putting his crown into place, aiming it for Lillian to hear but she wasn't listening. "dear?" she turned round to face him.

"for us or for them?" she asked looking at him in the eyes, with a light laugh.

"I reckon both the same." He answered. Lillian sighed and Harold gently took her shoulders in his hands. "come on, they wont bring it up again you know that. But lets just remember that next time when Fiona has her door closed with the 'keep out' sign, we'll know not to enter. Come on, we need to sort the ball out, its 8:00am already!" he said as they ran to where the ball was being held in the castles courtyard.

Fairy God Mother sat in her office staring out of the window waiting fro her son to arrive and soon enough he walked through the door, his hair all over the place, his brand knew armour ruined and his horse looked like it was about to collapse and die. Shrek grunted and took his battered helmet off.

"mummy!" he said suddenly happy.

"Shrekky dear, oh im so sorry." She said sympathetically.

"no mum, its not you. Why should you be sorry? Its that Charming that should be sorry. I am going to make him sorry." Shrek said angrily.

"calm down your still going to be king! Come with me, I have a plan!" she said dragging him into her flying carriage. "lets go Kyle!" she shouted.

Lillian put a hand to her forehead.

"are you ok dear?" Harold said walking over to her.

"yes, er its just I can feel something bad is going to happen… again." She answered as Harold winced at the thought of seeing parts of his daughter and son in law, he really didn't want to see. "but this time, it really is bad" she added. Something went off in Harold's head and he decided he would take a walk alone. As soon as he turned the corner he heard a loud 'whoooossshh' as he turned around he saw something else he really didn't want to see. It was Fairy God Mother.

"you better get in. we need to talk." She said.

Harold couldn't think of an excuse so he reluctantly got into the carriage, dreading what she'd say next.

"you remember my son, Shrek." She said looking over at Shrek who was currently staring straight at him.

"Shrek? Is that you? Oh its been ages, my word you've grown into a handsome fellow! W-w-when did you get back?" Harold asked trying to make conversation him.

"oh, about 5 minutes ago actually." He answered and then said nothing else, going back to staring at him evilly.

"see Harold, we made a deal. Many years ago, do you remember?" she asked now looking at him, herself.

Harold nodded and looked at the floor. "but Fairy God Mother, how do you plan on getting Shrek and Fiona together?" Harold asked.

Fairy God Mother smirked evilly. "this is where you come in." she said. Harold looked confused and then she continued by asking "does Fiona have a diary?"

"yes, yes she does!" Harold said in reply. "why exactly?" he asked more concerned than before.

"what was Fiona taught to expect as she grew up? What kind of rescuer was she told she would get?" Fairy God Mother asked him.

"um, brown hair brown eyes. Strong handsome and rich." He replied counting the things off using his fingers.

"and what did she get?" Fairy God Mother asked.

"blond, blue eyed and poor. Though, he is attractive, have you seen some of them girls running after him?" Harold answered.

"Harold, that's enough. Now, what ever Fiona has written in her diary is what she wanted in a prince. What did she want?" she asked him.

"blond hair blue eyed." He replied.

"not any more she wont!" she said. Harold looked puzzled.

"I don't understand" he said.

"the plan is simple you see, you give me her diary and I will change what she wrote about her blond saviour, into the image of shrek. Then you make sure Charming has a look at her diary. You then suggest Charming sees me about it, then we will figure out a way of disposing of Charming. Shrek will take Charming's place as Fiona's husband, and the excuse of why he has changed will be because he read her diary and wanted to be the man she always wanted. Understood?" Fairy God Mother asked.

"yes." Harold said simply as the carriage pulled up where it came from and Harold got out without another word.

**A/N: good? Bad? Please review and I need you help. After I've finished this, should I write another Shrek fic?** **Thanks, ~iPurpleheart xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**** here the next chapter. So yah enjoy. And can you guys please tell me if I was to do another Shrek fic, what I should do it about.**

**Chapter 6 – so she doesn't love me then?**

After he was certain Fiona and Charming were awake and having breakfast, king Harold sneaked into Fiona's room and looked around. Ah there, right under his nose – her diary. He quickly picked it up and ran out of the room and back to where Fairy God Mother last saw him about 5 minutes ago and as she'd promised, she'd waited. Harold handed over the diary and with a flash of magic from her wand, Fiona's diary was transformed. There were drawings of her and a blond knight, now her and a dark haired knight and written all over the pages, Mrs Fiona Shrek. Fairy God Mother handed him back the diary and without another word, zoomed off into the sky, leaving pink sparkly dust everywhere. Harold sighed and walked back into the castle.

"um, Lillian?" Charming asked

"call me mum" she replied.

"ok mum, er could you please pass me the sugar?" Charming asked.

"sure." She answered passing it over.

Suddenly Harold ran in and sat down. He smiled awkwardly. They all ate their breakfast and afterwards, Charming offered to clear up. BOOM! Just what Harold needed, he'd discreetly leave Fiona's diary on her chair as if she'd dropped it, he'd obviously take a look and that's exactly what he did. Harold walked off with Lillian and Fiona, leaving Charming with a few servants cleaning up the table.

Charming looked over at Fiona's chair. Was that her diary? He went to pick it up and take it outside with him, he'd let the servants carry on with tidying up. He walked out of the doors and sat on the steps outside the entrance, he then turned the first page and his eyes grew wide. **MRS FIONA SHREK **was written in huge letters across the page in a pink felt tip. As he looked through the book every page referred to this 'Shrek' whether it'd be a picture or a drawing or their name's in a love heart, Shrek+Fiona 2getha 4eva, that's what she wanted. Shrek.

About 10 minutes later Charming had caught up with Harold.

"Harold!" he said

"please call me dad." Harold replied.

"dad, Fiona doesn't love me!" Charming said near to tears.

"WHAT? Well how do you know that?" Harold nearly shouted. Charming passed him the diary and Harold read through every page, his mouth agape - he had always been a good actor. "can I give you some advice?" he asked.

"yes, please tell me anything. I cant lose her!" Charming said frantically, tears now falling from his eyes.

"go to the Fairy God Mother, she will make it all better. Trust me." Harold said patting his shoulder.

"mom, do you know where Charming is?" Fiona asked Lillian with a worried expression. She wasn't going to lie, she missed him, he was her husband at the end of the day. But most importantly, he loved her. Well, to be honest he showed her that last night but anyway, where was he?

"I don't know dear. You should ask your father" she replied.

"I don't want to." Fiona said still cringing from this morning.

They then walked outside together.

Charming finally reached the factory and stared ahead of him, His mouth agape. He slowly walked forward and opened the door leading to Jerome at his desk.

"um, hi. Im looking for the Fairy God Mother?" he asked.

"name?" Jerome asked.

"Charming Smith." He replied.

"oh, well, congratulations on your new wife." Jerome said with a smile. "and Fairy God Mother is in the potion room, go right in."

"thank you… Jerome." Charming said looking at his name tag.

Charming walked through the factory watching what was going on. There were incredibly small people working, maybe dwarfs. He finally reached the potion room and walked in to see Fairy God Mother reading a book, maybe a break from creating her next potion.

"hello" Charming said. "king Harold said you're the one to talk to about making me the man my wife always dreamed of."

Fairy God Mother looked up from her book and at Charming. She got up from her chair and fluttered to him.

"yes I am. So the man she always wanted eh?" she asked

"yeah, with like brown eyes and brown hair, that's what she wanted." He replied.

"come with me dear." She said taking his arm and pulling him to a tiny black room.

"what's this?" he asked.

"a dungeon." She replied.

"what?" but before he could do anything else, she pushed him into it and locked the door…

**A/N: sorry I took ages to update, irl post another when I can, I want to finish this. ~iPurpleheart**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I have been reaaaaally busy with school work, im sorry I didn't update sooner!**** . here goes.**

**Chapter 7 – ****so, you're my husband?**

Fiona sat in her bedroom with Lillian.

"maybe he's just down the pub with Greg?" Lillian suggested.

"he would've said" Fiona replied staring out the window at the 'Far Far Away' sign. "mom, really. What do you think he's doing? Do you think maybe he's with another woman?" she asked near to tears.

"Fiona, you listen to me now. Your husband is an extremely good man and he'd never do that to you." She said getting up from her seat somehow annoyed at what her daughter had just said.

Fiona sighed and turned to face her mother. "your right," she said sticking to the phrase that 'mother knows best' "I have to stop being so worried."

"Good. And Fiona?" Lillian said as she headed for the door.

"yes mom?" Fiona answered.

"that woman is coming to fit your ball gown at ten. Its like half 9 now so you should be getting ready." she said as she walked out of the room.

"oh great." She said sarcastically as she fell back onto her bed. She put a hand to her head and closed her eyes but was then rudely awakened.

"Fiona! Sweetheart?" said a voice from behind the door.

The accent sounded Scottish and the voice was male. **(A/N: the 'man' is Shrek!) ** She looked up and saw a tall, brown haired man holding a bunch of roses in his hands. Fiona jumped up and into don't-mess-with-me-or-i-will-kick-your-butt mode.

"what are you doing?" he asked coming closer to her.

"don't touch me, I am very capable of killing you, burying you, and crimating you in the next 5 seconds!" she said backing away.

The man chuckled and said "im sure you are but why would you hurt me? You love me too much!"

"WHAT? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" she was irritated by who ever this was and she thought that the only thing to do now was to scream at him.

"Fiona, please calm down one second." She felt like hitting him but saw that he was just trying to calm her down without her getting mad, which had already happened so he failed at that. He sighed and said "Fiona, I read your diary."

"WHAT?" she shouted.

"would you just calm yourself down so I can tell you what's happened." The man replied. Fiona sat down on her bed and patted the space beside her for him to sit down. "honey, it's a lot to take in and I don't know how to say this but, im Charming. I'm your husband."

Fiona stared at him her mouth hanging open like an 'o'. "w-what? How?" she asked, shocked.

"well, after I read your diary and saw what you wanted for in your husband I got really upset. So I went to your dad for help and he told me about the Fairy God Mother. I went to her and she gave me a potion that would transform me into the man you always wanted." 'Charming' replied looking into her eyes.

"my diary hmm?" she said getting up and walking to where her diary was. She opened it slowly and read one of the brightly coloured pages out loud. "dear diary, I cant wait to meet my rescuer. He'll have wavy brown hair and matching eyes. He'll be tall and strong and love me forever." Her eyes then drifted to the colourful illustration drawn next to it. It was a drawing of her kissing someone who looked like the newly transformed Charming. She looked at Charming again. He was still sitting where he was before, looking at her. He held his arms out welcomingly and she ran into his arms and hugged him.

"see?" he asked as she looked up at him.

"yes, I do" she replied leaning in for a brief kiss which lasted a matter of seconds. After a few moments or just sitting there Fiona sprang up "ok! I need to be getting a move on." She sprinted out of her room and into her mother and father's room where she found Lillian and the lady from the shop who's name she had forgotten.

"well you took your time didn't you!" her mother said.

"oh sorry about that." Fiona said. She then walked over to the woman. Patricia was her name.

"ok, now I hope you wont be too fussy this time." Patricia said remembering Fiona's wedding dress fitting. "your mother and I have gotten some dresses, now you have a look at which one is right for you." She then moved out of the way putting a dress selection into view.

It didn't take Fiona long at all to find the dress she wanted. After about 30 seconds she found the dress.

"that one!" she said pointing at a beautiful white dress laced with sequins along with a pearl necklace to go with it.

"ok, well go try it on!" Patricia said ushering Fiona to go into a little 'changing room' that she had created.

Fiona changed into the dress and walked out to see what her mother thought.

"Fiona, this one is the best! Were having this one please!" Lillian said to Patricia.

**A/N: I will update when I can. Please review ~iPurpleheart x **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: ****ok here is the next chapter. Please review? So enjoy!**

**Chapter 8 – Charming's escape.**

Fiona loved everything about the new Charming, his voice especially. There were only a few hours until it was time for the ball now, everything was in place – well, mostly everything.

"Charming?" Greg asked staring at the newly transformed Charming.

"no, no I'm s-" Charming said as he turned to face Greg. "Oh, sorry! Hi pal! Yes its me, old Charmy Warmy! How are ya?" he tried to sound like he knew this man, even though he'd never seen him before.

"ok, I heard what happened but it doesn't seem right. Everything was perfect with you and Fiona! What happened!" he asked but with sincere concern this time.

"well, I read her diary and found out what she wanted in her man. I had to change. I know that I loved being just the farmer's son, but I love Fiona more." He replied with a smile.

Greg looked at him for a few moments. Something wasn't right and this wasn't his best friend, he could tell. Greg just nodded and then walked out of the room to find Snow White.

He reached the poison apple and walked in. He soon saw Snow White, sitting at the bar drinking a cocktail talking to a dwarf.

"hello." He said with a smile as he sat down next to her.

"oh hey Greg! Wassup?" she asked turning to look at him.

"you need to come with me." He replied as he dragged her by her left arm out the door and onto a brown horse that was outside.

"where are we going?" Snow White asked gripping onto him.

"to have a word with King Harold." He replied and then focused on getting the horse to run faster.

Snow white left it at that and closed her eyes as she felt sick, but to her relief they pulled up in front of the castle soon after. They ran into Harold's room sneaking past the security as they did so.

"Hey!" Greg shouted as they finally reached the room that belonged to Harold and Lillian.

Harold stopped reading his book and jumped. "oh, gosh Greg! You scared the living daylights out of me" he said with a laugh.

"Where is Charming?" Greg said walking towards him.

"I really don't know!" Harold replied. His acting skills weren't so great this time.

"oh yes you do old man! Just tell my boyfriend where Charming is!" Snow White said pushing Greg out of the way and facing Harold her self.

Harold sighed knowing he was beaten. "ok! I will tell you! Fairy God Mother has got him locked away in her dungeon, that's the last I heard." He said looking away.

"thank you, come on Snow," Greg said as he walked out of the room and they made their way to Fairy God Mother's factory.

Fiona stood on the balcony staring at her husband below, who was having an argument with a knight. Sure he was totally gorgeous the way he was, but the way he acted now was terrible. She missed the way that whenever he saw her he would run up to her, spin her around and give her a kiss, the way that he would just sit down and listen to her moan about how much her wedding dress hurt. But now, when he saw her he'd just say 'oh, hi' as if she was a random person on the street and if she ever wanted to talk to him, he'd quickly change the subject. She was still confused about her diary though, she never wanted a dark haired saviour and had not even drawn those pictures. She had always wanted a blond knight, a handsome one and one who would love her always. She sighed as she watched Charming argue with this man, this wasn't like her 'Charmy' at all! She then turned to look at her clock, the time was 7.00pm already, the day had flown by. She took one last look outside and saw the crowds were already beginning to gather, she then went to get her self ready for her wedding ball.

Greg and Snow reached the dungeon, it was hidden outside.

"hey Charming!" Greg shouted through the gaps in the door.

"Greg?" Charming asked. His voice sounded weird, it wasn't strong like usual it sounded weak.

"I've missed you buddy!" Greg replied

"oh my god! You are pathetic can we just rescue him!" snow white said annoyed.

Greg sighed and pulled the door off to reveal Charming huddled in the corner of the tiny dark room.

"get out then!" Greg shouted.

Charming got out and stood up

"Right, well im not missing my wedding ball!" he said and they ran off upto the castle

**A/N: so whatchu think? review please! ~iPurpleheart x**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I am ALIVE! Yes I didn't die! I am soo sorry I haven't updated, I've had exams co****ming out of my ears. Hopefully my readers don't mind the wait! I. I have a DeviantArt profile so check it out *has epic Nicki Minaj moment* so I am iPurpleheart on there too! My friend (who's a boy) gave me a hand on this so give some credit to the guy *claps hands for Miles* anyway, so this is the part when… well you'll just have to read on…**

**Chapter 9 – is forever too long?**

Fiona stood there. Holding onto her father's arm and staring at the guests around her, and one other person too – her husband. She smiled for a second then looked away from him and back at her father. All Harold did was lead her to him and she took Charming's arm herself, whether she wanted to or not, Fiona couldn't decide. Of course she loved him, why wouldn't she? Fiona gazed into his warm brown eyes. They were now in the middle of the dance floor and the people around them were chanting for them to dance. Charming blanked out the noise from around him and focused on Fiona in front of him. He sighed and gave her a quick kiss on her forehead as Fairy God Mother began her song, slowly the couple danced across the floor.

"there he is!" Greg shouted.

"jeez! Do you have to be that loud!" Snow white said in a loud whisper.

"sorry" Greg replied bowing his head.

"so, how do we get in Charming? Charming?" Snow asked turning around hoping to see Charming standing there. But he wasn't. instead he had found a secret castle entrance and Greg had already followed him.

"oh, great! Talking to yourself. Oh god, I just did it again!" snow white said running after the boys.

Fiona and Charming were now talking to Harold and Lillian. Though the more that came out of Charming's mouth, the more Fiona agreed with herself that this wasn't her husband.

"can you excuse me one moment? And please don't come after me, all I have to do is go to the bathroom." Fiona lied getting up from her chair and walking into the castle where she saw something she thought she was dreaming. There in front of her was a man. Greg. And her best friend Snow White. Though this _man_ wasn't just a _man_.

"CHARMING?" Fiona exclaimed not believing her eyes.

"Fiona!" he replied running up to her, picking her up, spinning her around and giving her a kiss more passionate than he would usually.

"w-wait. How do I know you're my husband? What about the other one of you outside?" she asked pulling herself from his grip and resting her hands in light fists on her waist.

"well, I guess you'll just have to trust me" he replied with that smile Fiona had missed for what seemed like a decade.

With that, Greg slyly sneaked onto the stage and without being noticed, grabbed Fairy God Mother and took her some place never to be seen again.

Obviously now everyone had noticed there was no music and were staring around cluelessly.

"Shrekken!" Charming exclaimed pointing at the man Fiona had believed was her husband. "you either leave now, or I _will_ kill you." He pulled out a long, shiny sword and pointed it in Shrek's direction.

Charming didn't in fact care what Shrek's next movements were and called some guards to run over and arrest him. Charming then took Fiona's hands in his own and looked into her eyes with a smile. He then looked away from her and at the clueless people around him who were currently waiting for him to speak.

Cleared his throat and said "ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry for this disruption but that just had to be taken care of, I am sorry. The man you have believed to be the new Prince, was actually the son of Fairy God Mother – he wasn't me. This though, this is me." He stared around at the crowd below him and without a warning they burst out in applause.

Charming then turned back to face Fiona.

"im sorry too, I never should have let this happen." He said bowing his head.

Fiona lifted his chin up and kissed him softly on the lips.

"it wasn't your fault, it was nobody's fault. Just don't do that again. And don't you dare leave me!" She said to him.

Charming smiled. "don't worry, we are forever. Now however long forever may be, we should make the most of it when we can." He said. And with that their lips touched once again.

**A/N: FINALLY FINISHED! Thanks to all my reviewers! I hope to write more Shrek stuff in the future. ~iPurpleheart**


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